Dirty Pillow Talk

Dear Dr. G,

I am rather embarrassed to email you my bedroom problems. I have had several sexual relationships in the past and they have not been going so well.

I am a bit of a “silent lamb” in bed and really too shy to have pillow talks.

In the past, my sexual partners commented I am just to “expressionless” during sex, and this comes across cold and disinterested. I tried to argue that I have been focused on the actions and therefore not so communicative.

I have spoken to quite a few of friends who suggested I should be more of a “Dirty Harry” in bed and that will tend to stir sexual mood.

On the contrary, I often consider dirty pillow talk is vulgar and off-putting.

I would like to put Dr. G on the spot about Dirty Pillow Talk.

Is any scientific evidence supporting the role of conversations during intercourse?

Isn’t pillow talk during sex hindering rather than helping to spice up the action?

Do couples remain quiet during intercourse even if they are not enjoying the session? And hoping the issues will sort it-self out?

If I choose to engage in Dirty Pillow Talks, what are some of the ways to open up the conversation during intercourse?

In all seriousness, could dirty talking spice things up during intercourse?

Yours truly,
Silent Sam

Any form of “gesture” during sex is a form of communication, which includes facial expressions, tactile caressing, verbal and non-verbal commands. Verbal communication can range from subtle whispering to each other to outright talking. The non-verbal cues may include moaning or even screaming during climax. The importance of communication during sexual intercourse has been outlined in many studies.

One of the recent studies published in the Journal of Sex & Sex Marital Therapy, which is a branch of Journal of Sexual Medicine, revealed couples who communicate during intercourse have a higher level of satisfaction in sex. The researchers surveyed nearly 400 participants on the frequency of communication during sex and their mode of communication (verbal and non-verbal). The results showed partners are more satisfied with communication during sex, regardless of whether verbal or non-verbal. Contrary to common belief that talking during sex is distracting and may even be off-putting, pillow talk is associated with better satisfaction in sex.

Past studies have also highlighted that couples can be uncomfortable and worry about ruining the mood if they speak up during sexual intercourse. As a result, many tend to hold back and find it difficult to convey their likes and dislikes in the middle of the “business”. Many are under the impression that talking about sex will cause embarrassment or fear rendering unfavourable reactions. The fear obviously is prohibitive of open communication. In order to get the message across, many would resort to ambiguous gestures signalling their responses. Such a manner is mainly to test the partner’s reaction and avoid awkward moments. This tactic of helping to “save face” may cause misunderstandings; rendering one party to remain quiet even though not enjoying the experience. Although, subtle non-verbal cues can be perceived as less awkward and less threatening, moving past the fear of negative reactions by conveying direct verbal communication is always helpful.

It is not easy to speak out during the actual sexual intercourse; especially when one has fear of ruining the mood or hurting the partner during sex. However, avoiding awkward silence is the first step for successful communication. Be comfortable to initiate non-verbal cues, as they are often less threatening and less awkward. This may be as simple as guiding the partner’s hand to touch sensual spots, moaning and groaning when experiencing pleasure and shaking head when feeling otherwise. Finally, build confidence to convey verbal cues in a seductive manner such as “touch here because that feels good”. This will slowly build up sexual confidence in verbal communication for both parties.

Dirty talk may be perceived as inappropriate and cheesy, as portrayed by pornography. Contrary to common belief, talking dirty doesn’t mean being rude or vulgar. Speaking seductively to each other during sex can help to spark the moment and assure pleasure. Variations of pillow talks to suit different couples is a fun way of communication before and during sex, as it builds up and maintains the sexual tension.

The easy way in a sexual relationship is to remain silent and avoid communicating. On the other hand, taking risks in talking will entrust each other in the exploration of likes and dislikes. The Scottish poet and travel writer, Robert Louis Stevenson wisely said: “The cruellest lies are often told in silence.” When men who prefer “the silence of the lamb” is putting Dr. G on the spot to be more of a talkative “Dirty Harry”. His response is “Silence in the bedroom, and lies will eventually be told in the cruellest form!” Therefore, try getting over the nerves, relax and take risks. Adding some dirty talk like whispering will surely ensure many years of fun in the lovemaking journey.